Good-bad taste in DVDs? Meet good-bad gift choices.
‘Tis the season of tolerating your (or someone else’s) family, so spice things up for yourself by doling out the following, debatably dismal DVDs (all available on Amazon.com).
WHY STOP NOW | 12.11.12 | MPI HOME VIDEO | TRAILER
We all know Jesse Eisenberg is the new Jason Schwartzman, and that Tracy Morgan could sneeze and the comedy of that single act would ripple outward, creating a laughter butterfly-effect that leaves doctors frantically working for weeks to heal all the busted-guts.
And yet, somehow, this movie isn’t any good. Not quite funny, not quite a drama, Why Stop Now feels like a full-length version of one of the fake movies starring Morgan’s 30 Rock alter-ego, Tracy Jordan.
Except those are actually funny.
My holiday gift to you? I’ll let you make the, “Please, stop now,” jokes yourself.
PERFECT FOR: Someone who barely deserves a gift straight from the “only $4.99 for good reason” bin at Best Buy
PITCH PERFECT | 12.18.12 | UNIVERSAL | TRAILER
Admit it. You’ve seen Bring It On, at least one dance-battle movie, and Nick Cannon’s turn as a hardcore band-geek in Drumline.
Just me on that last one?
Point is, Pitch Perfect is one of those movies you might be embarrassed to leave out on the coffee table, but which you can’t possibly pass up when you see it on HBO. Seriously, imagine if all those talent-battle movies also had Rebel Wilson.
I’d almost given up hope for a Sister Act 2 for the next generation. But no longer, sir. No longer.
PERFECT FOR: Your tween sister who you secretly want to spend some quality movie time with.
THE GOOD DOCTOR | 12.18.12 | MAGNOLIA HOME ENTERTAINMENT | TRAILER
Sometimes, despite a decent budget and real stars, a movie just doesn’t cut it at the box office.
And sometimes you spend $6 million on a movie that grosses $4,106. Total. That’s less than your average garage sale.
Full disclosure: I’m not one of the three people who saw this movie in theaters, but word is it’s one of those “decent concept, really bizarre execution” flicks that leaves you wondering what happened in all the wrong ways.
It’s almost enough to make you pity poor Orlando Bloom, who hasn’t found success since the end of the profoundly lucrative Lord Of The Rings and Pirates Of The Caribbean franchises. These days he has nothing to console him but immense cash piles and a supermodel wife.
Oh, right. Fuck that guy, and this movie.
PERFECT FOR: Pranking a film-snob cousin who actually has no clue what he’s talking about. Just tell him it’s “Godard-esque.”
LIZ AND DICK | AVAILABLE NOW ON AMAZON INSTANT | LIFETIME | TRAILER
There’s a fine line between good-terrible and just terrible. In Liz And Dick, a recent addition to the pantheon of awful that is Lifetime original film programming, the line is really, really obvious. And distant, since they crossed it so long ago.
With Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, this sorta-biopic “follows” the love story of Taylor and Richard Burton, which apparently consisted mostly of drunken name-calling and unmotivated emotional outbursts. But near-total incoherence and acting that’s wooden even for Lifetime is redeemed (slightly) by White-Diamonds-in-the-rough moments like Lohan screaming “I’m so bored!” or her ‘80s-era Taylor, fright wig and all.
Honor the true spirit of the movie by watching it drunk.
PERFECT FOR: The whole family, after a whole ‘lotta ‘nog.